(From about two years ago.)
Humanity, Empathy and Clarity
- Generification. Treating personal preference and prejudice is the root of much of what follows. Many people develop theories of BDSM that reflect nothing more than what is local to their own minds. They think that what applies to them – at least they imagine it does – reflects universal truths. This is a source of foolish formulae and ridiculous rules.
- True Submissive [Person]. Unattached submissive people ( – men? – ) are woefully annoying with their lists of what submissive people must and must not do. Their clownish criteria better fits caricatures and not flesh and blood people. Change the word to slave and many tops are just as wrongheaded.
- Real Master or Mistress. This is really too complex a topic for this kind of list. But I have noticed submissive people unwittingly pressuring – almost blackmailing tops to maintain an almost impossible level of control. To be too unforgiving, unrelenting, never relaxing. This can cause tops to feel inadequate even guilty for merely being human and having good sense. I can’t help but wonder how often sane tops let their more aggressive peers distort their code of conduct.
- Too Many Rules. The most famous set of D/s rules is a classic instance of someone turning their preferences into a master plan of behavior. While heavy and complex protocol enhances masturbation it makes the rest of life impossibly burdensome for both parties.
- Projection. Many assume their cravings will match another’s complementary desires. Because of the bias of my sample population this is often masochistic men with shopping lists of what they expect a woman to do to them. The guys don’t stop to wonder how many might. Or why they would select him. They imagine there mere desire appealing in itself.
- Objectification. Not the fun kind. Masochists forget they are interacting with a person and just see Dominatrix Mark IX (With Enhanced Torture Module). And sadists can be eually guilty, expecting the bottom accept being made miserable in bad way.
- Unrealistic Expectations. BDSM play doesn’t eliminate working for a living, getting sleep, having health problems, not being in the mood or having enough free time.
- Fantasy vs. Reality. Just because you read it in a story doesn’t mean you should do it.
- Lack of Craft. My second experience as BDSM bottom was with a man who didn’t even know how to use a plastic riding crop. Particularly he didn’t know to avoid my kidneys. There was no possibility of pleasure or desire to see him again. Any sadist who doesn’t take the time to learn about risk is to be avoided.
- Lack of Communication. If someone doesn’t want to talk about themselves, learn about you or negotiate drop him or her. If you are playing with someone never hesitate to share your feelings. Do your best to encourage their self-expression. Don’t let notions of role make you silent. (Uncommunicative bottoms and tops can easily induce paranoia and guilt in their partners.)
Contingency, exceptional circumstances and special conditions cheerfully acknowledged.
Originally posted 2016-01-01 05:28:31.