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Disparity of Desires in D/s

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Silence & Hidden Resentments

Women Who Divorce Husbands

Rare – if existing – is the couple that will have perfectly matching fetishes, symmetrical kinks.

For somebody who hates generalizations I make so many.

Of the straight couples I’ve known over the years it has in every single instance been the woman who ended the relationship, left the man.

Some of the women wanted more excitement, particularly more sexual pleasure. Some I think wanted a spouse who was less of a boy, who didn’t leave it to his wife to perform managerial and practical tasks.

And there were the women who after years of a seemingly happy marriage exploded with rage. These I felt after their children left no lost much of the direction of their lives. Felt they’d been deprived of fulfillment than motherhood. Perhaps had long felt that. But kept it suppressed. Then it boiled over with violence. Even a desire for revenge.

The guys were all kind, humane, intelligent men. They were ignorant or had been unwilling to see their spouse’s growing dissatisfaction. (They were all unambitious men: perhaps a coincidence.)

This was on my mind recently and prompted me to write about dissatisfactions in power exchange relationship. But I got sidetracked into emotional masochism. Leaving me with a poorly written note on the latter.

Macho Male Slave

My friends’ failed love affairs put to mind how disparate expectations complicate and eventually put an end to kinky relationship.

All those male tops bitching about how “subs and slaves” aren’t real. That is they hookup with women (and men) who don’t really want to be treated like robots or human garbage 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This is nothing more than the inability – perhaps on both sides – to accept that masturbatory fantasy can’t actually be lived in the real world.

Mostly it was submissive guys who are dissatisfied that the woman who tops or (ahem) owns him isn’t sufficiently dominant and sadistic.

You see it frequently with submissive men who have persuaded their wives and girlfriends to dominate them just a little bit. He is often pushing her to do more. And topping from the bottom: and knows it and wish he didn’t feel it necessary.

Really these men need to be honest and accept that the relationship is never going to match their desires. Separate, get a divorce: the longer it drags out the worse it will be in the end.

Mistress With Submissive Man

There are also couples in D/s relationships with unequal inclinations of some sort. He wants Mistress to be more demanding. Lots more demanding: mean and cruel. She’s content to control and spank him. When she’s in the mood. And does her best to oblige him when she can.

But it isn’t really enough. And his is submissive, possibly passive aggressive mind resentment is building up. Until the day he lashes out shocking her with his anger.

And aside from the crazy tops I mentioned above there are dominant men and women who grow frustrated because some desire, fetish isn’t fulfilled. The bottom pushes away but promises to try it soon. Soon never comes. Or as on arrival the safeword follows. One day the top berates the submissive lover or playmate for not meeting the agreement to satisfy the tops seemingly risk aware expectations.

The moral as always: is speak your mind. Communicate. Or one of you will be blaming the other.

Originally posted 2013-12-30 16:32:35.

Advice : Penis Photos

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Being bisexual the site of a phallus induces no discomfort. But the first time a stranger sent me a photograph of his resting on his keyboard was still a bit of a surprise.

I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.

And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.

On gay sites – where enthusiasm for penises is a given – such photos don’t appear.

Originally posted 2013-12-23 15:25:26.

The Case of the Vanishing Submissive

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Suddenly a submissive male or female that you’ve been playing with fails to show up for a scheduled visit, doesn’t answer emails or phone or text messages. Why?

People outside of D/s are just as baffled when those things happen to them.

It took me far too many years to catch on the psychology of this kind of behavior. People often won’t tell you why they are dissatisfied with a relationship. They may not even tell you that they aren’t happy and fulfilled. They’d rather just retreat and hide.

Despite all the social aggression we witness most people are reluctant – afraid – to cause a fuss, endure friction or be thought a ‘negative’ person. They’d rather hide in silence, retreat behind walls.

Have you ever applied for a job only to find it nearly impossible to discover whether or not you’ve been hired? You haven’t but the person who chose someone else gets his or her stomach in a knot at the prospect of telling you. So they hide behind their secretary.

Many years back the stress that bosses felt when firing employees caused ‘dehiring’ consultants to do the dirty work for them. Corporations paid fat fees so managers wouldn’t have to look a discarded employee in the face.

It is the same weird timidity at work.

Similarly in the most conventional romance people will suddenly become unable for a date. They claim to be too busy with work or school. They’d rather invest huge amounts of time contorting themselves than admitting that something about the relationship hasn’t worked for them. And rather let it end than cope with the emotional risks of being open enough to discover if there is a solution.

Some fear appearing in a bad light. Others just want to move on if the thrill they expected wasn’t found.

A bottom may have found what he or she was experiencing boring. Boring in a way that left them without any desire to continue. While enduring ennui can be a part of submission it can just be tedious and nothing more.

Or the bottom may find some experiences uncomfortable and unsatisfying. But be trapped by that. Emotional state that leaves a bottom unwilling or unable to complain and explain. So they just give up.

Tops may feel that their authority or competence has been challenged. There are tops that feel confused or guilty about this. The ability to negotiate vanishes and they lapse into silence. While tops are mere mortals like the rest of it some find admitting that unendurable.

Unconfident, playmates and lovers would rather let a relationship die than undergo the demands of honest discussion, the challenge of emotionally naked conversation.

This is sad. The shy man or woman, rendered unwilling o speak loses a valued friend in fearful silence. And as those who can push past these fears can attest many of the best relationships are built on foundations that looked rocky at first.

It hurts to be shut out. Equally it hurts to be the one closing the door.

Originally posted 2013-12-21 19:15:44.

Predicament Bondage: Testicle Leash

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Young Richard had just discovered his same sex loving component and it reallyh shook up his world. He moved to the big city (Atlanta) where there were many exciting things not to be found back home in Savannah.

Like adult bookshops. I never became a habitué. But it was a good place to begin the study of homosex.

Back then there were these really trashy, sleazy sex tabloids. I bought one. It was filled of things not dreamed of in my philosophy. Like butt plugs. Who knew such things existed. Why did they exist? (Something I’ve yet to understand.)

There were things that grab my imagination and would color my BDSM fantasies forever.

There was a crude drawing of a man in bondage. His neck collar as connected to a testicle collar. Movement would pull at his balls or squeeze his neck.

I’d just discovered predicament bondage. Maybe the drawing is why my testicles are so deeply connected with submissive emotions (otherwise they are just there unless I – ouch! – bump into something).

Male Slave Neck Collar Testicle Collar

The response of my internal plethysmograph testify to how testicle bondage excites me.

Male Slave Neck Collar Testicle Torture

Male Collar Chained to Balls Bondage

Originally posted 2013-11-09 07:02:03.

Fake Femdom Blogs : Panties

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Not having as much time for the fetish blogosphere as I once did I don’t run across as many bogus Femdom blogs as I once did.

Lila in Lingerie

Tweo that I’ve recently read have been almost archetypal instances of phony female domination: submissive men writing as dominant woman. And focus the trinity of their species: cuckoldry, sissyfication and extreme orgasm denial.

Because the author as created a virtual private universe the fake blogs have an internal consistency that can almost fool you.

One detail often gives the game away: panties.

Women who enjoy lingerie write of their attire with aestheticism and lyricism. The men I’m thinking of write mechanically.

For them panties aren’t something lovely. They are the master key to their obsession.

Not that I’m going to upbraid them for writing porn as fact. They are victims of their compulsion.

Originally posted 2013-08-20 00:05:01.

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