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Earning My Mistress

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(It wasn’t long after I discovered that I could enjoy being dominated and tormented by a woman that I created a micro-site on Geocities (remember that?) focusing on my submissive side. I don’t know why I thought a little story would be an effective way to communicate my sense of the – ? – proprieties. To my surprise response from the women who ran across it was positive and kind. Of course they all lived hundreds or thousands of miles away: a condition that persists to this day.)

Basic BDSM Bondage
“A strong arm and a stinging paddle are the best training tools.”

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Originally posted 2016-01-24 20:57:21.

Ruined Orgasms Theory & Practice

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Varieties of Ruined Orgasmic Experience

Ruined Orgasm Penis Art
Poor Old Mr. Penis

Ruined Orgasm I

Many years ago during a period when I was looking for an outlet for my masochism a man who wrote me had a sadistic desire that was new to me.

The guy wanted to tie me up and masturbate me to and past orgasm. The continued massaging of my penis would eventually become painful. Having been a sometimes too enthusiastic wanker I knew my penis could become sore. What an exciting idea. (Sadly he decided that he wanted to explore his own masochism and we never met.)

Ruined Orgasm II

A device, finger, dildo, Aneros prostate massager is used to stimulate a man’s prostate gland. This forces him to ejaculate without having any sort of orgasm.

Technically there is no orgasm involved but involunatarily mimicking the results of an orgasms is dehumanizing and humiliating.

This has always struck me as a very moving experience. To have your physiological response manipulated inddependent of your actions or intenions.

Ruined Orgasm iII

A few years later focussing exclusively on F/m BDSM I read an entry on male genital manipulate:

No lubrication is used, and the glove is not allowed to slide over the organ. At the first twitch, pulsation, or other indication of approaching orgasm, she quickly removes her hand. She does not resume the almost mechanical “Milking” for a full minute. Sixty seconds is a long time when excitement is high. It is, however, necessary to wait out the full time prior to resumption. This same routine is carried out again and again, ceasing each time that there is the slightest muscle twitch observed or suspected. During the sixty seconds that the “Milking” is not taking place, the Mistress should tell the slave how well he is doing, how much pleasure she will get from his having a dribble orgasm, how displeased she will be if he has strong contractions, how he must relax and not do anything to spoil her pleasure, etc. This, in conditioning terms, is the reinforcement stage. The grand finale is a little squirt from the cock slit, followed by his slime slowly oozing out. While this is occurring Mistress should again give positive reinforcement. …

My synapses contorted themselves into new shapes when I read that. I wish I’d copied the entire, quite long, entry. The blog is long gone but it always seemed to actually be written by a woman in a F/m power exchange relationship.

How profoundly humbling to have one of a man’s greatest delights so diminished, made feeble.

Ruined Orgasms IV

From another F/m blog:

I then very quickly and vigorously, almost viciously, from behind, jerk his organ with my rubber gloved hand. He is so tense that it rarely takes even a minute before he is ready to spurt. I am watching this very closely and as soon as I note a slight start of a spasm I stop, take my hands away, step back and watch amused as he spurts, in a most frustrating fashion into his condom.

I assure you there is no orgasm when this method is employed, try it yourself and see! The look of frustration, total and utter frustration, is a picture to behold. Even now after several years of this treatment, he cannot quite comprehend just how frustrating the experience is. It leaves him yearning and desiring satisfaction, dreaming of what he used to experience. He remains totally unrelieved of his sexual tensions and urges, indeed they are multiplied ten-fold as a consequence of the frustration of being so near, yet so far from an orgasm. All that has been released is his semen, not his sexual tension.

This blog entry was much longer. I was rapt with helpless fascination. But clearly the account was fiction presented as truth. Perhaps only to give the story a greater sadomasochistic thrill.

Ruined Orgasm Summary

The first is pure S&M. The masochist’s penis is forced to endure pain. This is so much the opposite of what is expected from the genitals that it is almost shocking.

The second is also pure physical manipulation of a man’s sexual organs. His power over himself is literally taken away. It seems like a species of consensual sexual assault.

In the third a man is masturbated in a carefully structured manner. The goal is to elicit an orgasm without pleasure. The man’s body is pushed to climix perhaps by duration.

With the fourth we find a man caculatingly brought to orgasm only to have the stimulation removed with cunning timing to render the orgasm pleasureless.

The first and second kinds of male sexual manipulation are actually practiced.

The third and four have captured the mind’s of masochistic men as the most humiliating. Especially number four. It is the kind of ruined orgasm men search the web for.

The Runied Orgasm Myth

A BDSM urban legend I think. Of course I speak only with the authority of my own body.

I’ve certainly had orgasms that I felt could’ve been better.

I’ve had orgasms after taking my hand from my penis just a moment too soon.

Sometimes I’ve had orgasms that didn’t result in ejaculation. My body still shuddered. Pleasure surged through me.

Even my mildest, most flawed and least competently achieved orgasms gave me pleasure.

Your can be over-masturbated to pain. Your prostate can be massaged to ejaculation without orgasm.

But even the most minimal orgasm is fun.

Originally posted 2016-01-24 20:56:58.

Submissive Men Are From Venus

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Psychology of the Sissymaid

Submissive Transvestite

When I first encountered the subcultures of femdom and heterosexual male submission it was almost as if I’d fallen into a parallel dimension. I started to say time machine but while some of the underlying assumptions made me think of 1950s TV sitcom gender roles it was all too askew to hark back to Donna Reed or Ward and June Cleaver.

It was all so damnably sexist. You see I don’t have friends who begin sentences with “women are … ” or “men are … ” Not a one. Most of the past decades have been spent without a television set. I don’t buy slick magazines. Foolish me I thought this had all gone the way of cars with tail fins and McCarthyism.

Foolish me indeed. Femdom caused me to become aware of Dr. John Gray, a thinker on the same lofty plane as Elise Sutton. Rendering the normal majority invisible is a nice thing but can leave you vastly ignorant of your fellow man. Female executives and feminist theory haven’t actually dispelled gender stereotyping.

Eventually I got over feeling as if I’d stepped in something icky and began to see. Really I repeated an extension of, if not empathy, understanding that followed my discovery that I found some transvestites sexually alluring. Many crossdressers – being born male – have (dated) conventional male clichéd image of what being female implies. Femininity means pleasing the male, being subservient. Most transvestites are submissive; many are masochists.

Similarly I found that many closeted bisexual men who lived as heterosexuals – mostly married – wanted to bottom. Not just in the physical sense of surrendering their sphincter muscle. There was usually a subtle – or vivid – wish to be dominated. To be rendered less masculine.

Reading bogus blogs and fantasies presented as fact it seemed to me that many submissive men are unacknowledged transvestites and bisexuals. That is why they want the woman to ‘force’ them to wear panties. And cuckold fantasies often feature the man servicing the wife’s bull.

I can’t see any value in judging these men. Not to deny that I often find their emotional gymnastics distasteful. Watching someone fib to themselves is always ugly. But fairness requires that we admit that struggling to face up to certain truths about ourselves can be a struggle.

I think it very important that these men become able to perceive and accept their transvestitism and bisexuality. That is a necessary initial step in becoming less painfully incoherent.

Self-awareness should enable them to better cope with their needs. To find women willing to help them realize their desires.

Originally posted 2013-06-07 15:30:15.

No Shows

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Female tops ( – it probably happens to male tops and submissive persons as well – ) recount stories of the man who never show up for a scheduled first date, Other dominant women express empathetic chagrin and submissive males wonder how anyone can be so foolish.

Dominant women often employ extensive vetting and screening in selecting guys to meet. Any sane person who uses the web to search for hookups and romance does likewise. That will never prove completely foolproof. Flakes and fools will always manage to slip past the most carefully conceived filters.

Why would a man invest time and energy in currying the interest of a dominant woman, achieve it and then fail to meet her.

He’s married or partnered or whatever the right term is for someone in a committed relationship with another person. That he not be is probably the first criterion: on the web nobody knows you are phony At least until.

Fears of being caught cheating or the lack of resources with which to cheat successfully stop many men from taking the final step. In a way the women are lucky. Becoming involved with him and then discovering his falsity would be worse than sipping coffee alone.

Just plain fear: this I suspect covers the majority of no shows. Fear of:

  • Exposure: of blackmail maybe but mostly of by some mysterious means that others will learn of their submissive sexuality. They fear being laughed at or damaging their career.
  • Fear of you, the woman. Whatever they may have written in the back of their minds an image of dominant women as pitiless, cruel creatures. They cultivate horrific fantasies that no one could really endure.
  • Fear of being found inadequate. Like so much to do with fetish and kink this is universal to all social-sexual interaction. Even though they may dream of a top mocking them as worthless that isn’t the same as meeting someone and being found literally and objectively not worth knowing.

There may also be men for whom negotiating and making the date is all they ‘need.’ Those acts are sufficiently sexually gratifying. Cynically they never plan to meet. But I think them rare.

How many men I wonder make the date, approach the location only to freeze and retreat. Maybe they watch for you across the street. Or just as they start to open the door to the restaurant selected for the appointed rendezvous stop and run away.

This isn’t to excuse their incivility. At the very least they could follow-up with an email admitting that they don’t want it takes to translate their desires into reality.

If a man has pissed you off by making a date and failing to arrive for it perhaps you can find vengeful comfort in this thought:

For perhaps the rest of his life the guy will regret that he wasn’t brave enough to meet you. And he’ll spend many nights wondering what might have been.

Originally posted 2013-04-16 09:29:52.

A Handbook for Submissive Men?

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Today I ran across a thread talking about the desirability of a handbook for submissive men.

When I outlined Rules for Voluntary Slaves I pretty much summed up everything I could think of.

Sure, it is a fairly generic list. But more specific strictures would have to be spelled out in terms of the two people and their relationship.

Relationships vary considerably: lifestyle 24/7, people who play with their life partners, female led relationships, those who engage in scenes with people met at fetish parties. And the individual mix of temperaments and fetishes there’s no way a rulebook could possibly fit most, much less all.

My list was just a specialized way of saying that a man who wants to submit to a woman needs to keep respect and courtesy at the front of his mind.

When some men write about their sense of woman worship and their hoped for relationship I find myself baffled some days.

I remember one guy writing that showing women respect was part of his contract. And read many who speak of treating women civilly as if it is some conversion they just underwent.

Were these guys hardcore sexist creeps in their earlier life? Women – other people in general – should be treated with courtesy and respect whenever possible. Those qualities are the oil that keeps society and social life running smoothly.

Of course respect would be interpreted as deference.

Being deferential seems a given in a relationship that includes power exchange. I’m not persuaded that it is a virtue when shown to women you don’t know (excluding obvious places like a fetish party if the rules of deportment are known).

And to subject a clerk at Starbucks with you humility is, well, I think a bit daft. Since she doesn’t have a context you are more likely to trouble her by seeming a creep than impressing her with qualities that are invisible and possibly unwelcome. Even many dominant women aren’t charmed to see the submissiveness turned on before there’ s been an introductory exchange and she expresses interest in your submission.

I’ll hazard a guess that if a man treats everyone with kindness and respect he’ll make a better impression on the dominant women he meets.

Once in a relationship if you feel you need the kind of guidance that a handbook would offer then it’d be a good idea to think of a contract for establishing the structure of the D/s part of your time together.

Originally posted 2013-04-21 00:30:19.

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