Boys! Men! You too can turn male dominance into a profitable business model!

Own or run a successful business… but you are a sub?

I am a professional, clean cut Dom, very capable, with a taste for power and control.

Bring me on your staff, at a reasonable salary, give me the title of my choice, and I will work at home.

A nature so giving is almost unbearable.

Dept. of standard patter:

What I require is ultimate respect and obedience. Anything less than that will NOT be tolerated - EVER.

Only 1 will serve me. Terms are for life. You will be exclusively mine to experiment, and do with as I wish.

This would be clever if he were likely to find someone so foolish. EVER!

This morning I was reading Gibbon’s account of early Christian monasticism. For once his lofty irony seemed suspended. Lives of self-imposed dreariness, voluntary surrender to petty, pettifogging authority was obviously alien to him. People chose to submit to experiences normally the province of the worst sort of tyranny.

Sounds like some of the D/s profiles I’ve read.

I’ve meant to quote some of the good personal ads I’ve seen written by tops. But I get distracted and forget to copy them. Thinking back a few of the best I’ve read was strong in a quality not often associated with personals: good-humor.

The best profiles show good-natured empathy. I especially admire profiles by dominants that show appreciation of the needs and complications of submissive people. Maybe make a witty aside or two. You are reading the words of someone who seems complete, not just a role.

I don’t think tops need to remind us all that much that they want to be in control. We know that. And those of us who are submissive want them to take that control.

It may be a little harder for a submissive man or woman to show their good humor and wit. Too often writing a personal ad can seem like a burdensome balancing act as you try to present yourself accurately while feeling reluctant to accidentally drive someone away with a sentence not fully understood.

BDSM profiles will be all the better for exhibiting good-natured personality.

See also: Lifestyle

Actually for me a sadist’s profile can be one of the most sexy documents imaginable.

I don’t mean it needs to be all hot and slobbery. It needn’t go on at extended length about the particulars that thrill her or him.

A concise summation of the enjoyment that an intelligent and interesting person takes in making someone they find worth knowing hurt and suffer is plenty. Not that a few extra bits that captures the cheerful cruelty his willing suspension of autonomy isn’t welcome.

A good profile by a top can keep me from getting a good night’s sleep.

A very fair trade.

It is a common topic. I’ve certainly added my two cents. Probably often enough for it to add up to a quarter.

I’m talking about finding fault with bottoms’ responses to profiles.

Tops can be just as annoying.

A couple of responses to my own profiles brought this to mind. The first was so nutty that I just dismissed it. The second was more plausible. Neither I’ve decided were aimed at communication.

Occasionally I get comments from distant tops writing to say they like my profile and wishing me luck. The couple of responses I’m thinking of expressed interest even thought they read as if the writer hadn’t actually read my profile. The latter I’ve decided were aimed at eliciting passionate replies in which I steamily wrote of all the awful things I wanted done to me. To write porn for them to wank to.

This reminded me of a local top I’d communicated with some years back. I liked him well enough to give him my home phone number. He said I had a very sexy voice. This I’ll unblushingly confess didn’t cause me a second thought because I often heard that from women when I did survey research. It was near the end of what proved to be our final chat that I realized what was innocent chat for me was phone sex for him: that he was masturbating as we talked.

I’d be delighted to have someone to write perverse scenarios for but I don’t want to be tricked into it.

Being bisexual the site of a phallus induces no discomfort. But the first time a stranger sent me a photograph of his resting on his keyboard was still a bit of a surprise.

I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.

And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.

On gay sites - where enthusiasm for penises is a given - such photos don’t appear.

There you are cheerfully wanking away to images of yourself scrubbing the bathroom floor clean with a toothbrush or locked in a cast iron chastity device or …

(If you are me the top is engaged in a close study of whether you whimper more entertainingly when hit with a single tail or a quirt.)

So you write a profile bragging about how happy you will be to clean floors or have orgasm only on February 29th (or advance research into the effect of cowhide on human flesh).

OK. We do meet to experience these sorts of things. But they only take up so much of the day. There are lots of hours to be filled with ordinary things.

My recent scanning of profiles shows that it is the top who is most likely to mention pleasure in horseback riding, baseball, jazz, entomology, theoretical physics and baking pies.

Bottoms are forever offering themselves as servants and targets. Tops look for that and a bit more.

Your own profile shouldn’t neglect to share your passions, enthusiasm and hobbies. I’ve lost count of how many kinky relationships began with a shared pleasure that had nothing to do with BDSM.

People generally meet for coffee or a meal. And it is more fun to think of spending time with someone who has more in them than the commonplace yearnings of the average submissive masochist.

Really many D/s couples have started with shared pleasure in an author or musician. Then progressed on to who is the finest maker of floggers.

In reading the weary words of dominant women back from their latest round of reading replies to their personal ads they often mention pathetic spelling, piteous grammar and inadequate composition skills of the submissive guys that offer themselves.

Sadly none of these are likely to be English professors seeking an obscure form of humiliation.

If my recollection is aright one of their most common complaints is that the guys say they are looking for a dominate rather than dominant woman.

My recent survey of BDSM personals has revealed to me that too large a number of tops call themselves dominate men, couples, etc.

I’m the last person to join the grammar and spelling Gestapo but … !

It diminishes - Hell, it chokes - my sense of submission when someone I might surrender to can’t get right something so elementary. I’m not anxious to be fussy. Take no pleasure in being pedantic.

But I’d be ever so grateful it you could correct this.

Not having given alt.com a dime I haven’t done more than browse the locals and read my LoveDog mismatch reports.

Imagine going to a news site and reading a headline proclaiming Something Happened or Today Isn’t Yesterday.

So many profiles just say “looking for something new.” Or “want to try something different.” Really grabs your interest doesn’t it?

Some profile headlines are so badly constructed that someone who sounds like a top proves to really be a bottom who hasn’t the tiniest ability at self-expression.

This vagueness is frustrating. And it seems to apply to the majority of profiles.

I understand that part of it is timidity. Having never dared speak their desires aloud to anyone they are nervous when they sit at their keyboard.

These folks can easily be dismissed as not worth the time. But, you know, I bet many of them are. Or would be if we had a clue as to what they want.

Rather a sad loss.

Some of these so-called masters must spend an awful lot of time reading BDSM porn:

If on the other hand you are looking to become a real Full-Time slave there will never be release or escape from being my property ever again.

(Sorry Jack but this isn’t Gor. Are you hankering to join Glenn Marcus in the federal pen? )

Although I may choose to display you to others , you will never be allowed out in public alone again with out permission except for such as working at a job or other things I will that I may aprove.

At least he doesn’t say he’s compassionate.

There will be no going out alone by yourself merely for you personal pleasure. If you are my full time property

I wonder: has anybody ever called himself Sir 1984?

If I chose to take you to another place for display or use in front of, or require you to service other Masters and slaves, I WILL DO SO

By this time most female submissives will have gone on to read other profiles.

Once you become my property you will have no rights, and no choices or limitss other than those I choose to grant you after disscusing what you feel you realy need.

I’m sure all the girls are just lining up waiting to climb in your cage.

A gay male top in his fifties complete profile:

19 and slim is nice

Another by one in his forties:

looking for 18 years you have no rights .total slut pain slave

I know that yearning. There was an attractive young waif in my store the other day. Ah to be … again.

I write as someone whose last two lovers were over twenty years his junior. Sure that was nice, no reason to lie about it. Their comparative youth made me nervous at first. Turning into a pathetic old chickenhawk isn’t on my list of aspirations.

These older gay masters are fantastically delusional. If you’ve reached that age without being able to distinguish which of your wants are plausible you have doomed yourself to a life of frustration.

Not being able to enjoy someone near your own age leaves you an erotic cripple. You doom yourself to a solitary old age.

Honestly I can’t claim to feel compassion for them. Profiles like that evoke only contempt.