Being bisexual the site of a phallus induces no discomfort. But the first time a stranger sent me a photograph of his resting on his keyboard was still a bit of a surprise.

I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.

And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.

On gay sites - where enthusiasm for penises is a given - such photos don’t appear.

There you are cheerfully wanking away to images of yourself scrubbing the bathroom floor clean with a toothbrush or locked in a cast iron chastity device or …

(If you are me the top is engaged in a close study of whether you whimper more entertainingly when hit with a single tail or a quirt.)

So you write a profile bragging about how happy you will be to clean floors or have orgasm only on February 29th (or advance research into the effect of cowhide on human flesh).

OK. We do meet to experience these sorts of things. But they only take up so much of the day. There are lots of hours to be filled with ordinary things.

My recent scanning of profiles shows that it is the top who is most likely to mention pleasure in horseback riding, baseball, jazz, entomology, theoretical physics and baking pies.

Bottoms are forever offering themselves as servants and targets. Tops look for that and a bit more.

Your own profile shouldn’t neglect to share your passions, enthusiasm and hobbies. I’ve lost count of how many kinky relationships began with a shared pleasure that had nothing to do with BDSM.

People generally meet for coffee or a meal. And it is more fun to think of spending time with someone who has more in them than the commonplace yearnings of the average submissive masochist.

Really many D/s couples have started with shared pleasure in an author or musician. Then progressed on to who is the finest maker of floggers.

They want you to be their love robot.

In a comment on my note about frustratingly vague profiles AlmostMagic mentioned the guys who have overly precise scripts they expect the top to follow.

The best such profile I recall has been my benchmark for too much specificity for years.

Not only did he know that he’d be ‘forced’ to wear a dress. He also knew it would be a green dress. And that air would blow up from a vent on the left side. A top has to be a bit of a stage manager at times but that is just too damn much.

Dear Mr. Profile Person,

Your profile (or personal ad) says you are a heterosexual man. But you write to me. Since you never say anything like “I’m a straight guy who wants to humiliate a homo,” I have to guess that you are really bisexual but don’t want to state that visibly even on a website devoted to helping us kinky perverts get together.

I do know the misconceptions that monosexuals both heterosexual and gay often have about us. They are sure we can’t be faithful and suspect we’re likely to be disease ridden.

But as someone who listened to his father disown him - tell him he didn’t care if he starved in the street - rather than lie to a question about his sexuality I find it awful hard at times to feel really sympathetic.

So butch up: especially if you call yourself a top. I’m not looking to be dominated by a scaredy cat.

So butch up!

Yours faithfully,
Richard

The idea that others may have multiple profiles disturbs some people.

Is this some subtle erotic hypocrisy? Who are we hoping to fool? What do we have to hide?

One advantage of creating alternative profiles and personal ads is to emphasize different aspects of our sexuality.

Many people don’t read past a profile’s heading or first paragraph. Should the profile actually contain more than one. So even if you are strictly submissive but open to both casual play and a serious romantic commitment you may want to insure that you capture the attention of both kinds of searchers. The more a person is open to exploring the more easily confused some people are.

Even the best intended of us may judge a personal ad by too few words.

Switches suffer from a special curse. People often assume that if someone is a switch they want to be both dominant and submissive in every encounter or relationship. That most people are either tops or bottoms is something every switch quickly learns.

Much online reading is hasty: presenting nuanced editions of yourself is about emphasis, not concealment. Who really wants the extra work it requires?

Have you ever noticed those personal ads that say something like:

I want a 24/7 slave. Must be completely willing to obey all orders at all times.

Real slaves only. No fakes, part-timers, scene players, phoneys, fake slaves, wannabes, Your goal must be to please me with no thought for yourself and nothing else.

I am real. UB2!

And how they have the same ad running five years later, there account is active and they are still looking.

Even though there are bottoms advertising:

I am a real slave and masochist. I want a Lord and Master who will teach me true and total slavery. I will have no rights and ask for no pity or compassion. Train me and use me for your pleasure. Abuse me and hurt me. I will be nothing and you will grind me into the dust.

Your future worthless dog slave.

Ads like that run forever as well.

Why don’t they get together?

Because they are propounding what for most people is unlivable. And as long as they cling to these hopeless extremes of M/s lives they’ll stay single. And they seem willing to do so forever.

Is this a sane choice?

Profile by a master in central North Carolina:

Looking for worthless slaves to be
used as fuckmeat and cum receptacles. Prefer naturally submissive, shy, quiet, unassuming, low self-esteem.

Not looking for
relationship, scenes, etc., Just
something to fuck and discard until
the next time, without any regard as a person, like a mangy bitch dog.

If you are in this category and know
this is what you deserve, let me know.

Age and physicality are not an issue. Just be totally submissive

Some women would say this is just a typical male.

Let’s be honest there are plenty of people who will find this exciting to read. To be brutally frank this sort of arrangement is probably the best some bottoms can hope for (or - perhaps - capable of).

But.

BDSM without the option of a safeword is a serious risk.

There’s no promise of safe sex. Is the risk of becoming HIV+ really worth it? Are you that desperate?

Someone who is looking for men and women with low self-esteem could very well be a predator, a sociopath.

Part of the CollarMe profile from a fellow who identifies himself as a gay male slave:

Okay, first things first regarding me doing your housework. I have no problem with this, but let’s face it, everyone wants me to do their housework. Every Dominant person in the country wants a slave to do their housework for them. So what’s so special about you, right? Let’s talk about the rest of the deal.

Hooray for him! (His ad overall is forthright and appealing.)

There’s no doubt that some tops think a D/s title or power exchange roles is far more of an entitlement than it is.

This isn’t a criticism of this kind of service submission. Just don’t be so desperate that you let people take advantage of you or use you in he wrong way. While it should be obvious it doesn’t hurt to state that bottoms, submissive persons and slaves are people.