I used to fantasize about something akin to this all the time.

(It wasn’t long after I discovered that I could enjoy being dominated and tormented by a woman that I created a micro-site on Geocities (remember that?) focusing on my submissive side. I don’t know why I thought a little story would be an effective way to communicate my sense of the - ? - proprieties. To my surprise response from the women who ran across it was positive and kind. Of course they all lived hundreds or thousands of miles away: a condition that persists to this day.)

“A strong arm and a stinging paddle are the best training tools.”

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What Catches Your Eye?

Looking at an erotic photograph is hardly an objective experience. Your response brings forth a fairly broad range of your sexuality: the realities of your past, things hoped for and foolish fevered dreams.

Looking at this cover of The Bitch Goddess, what catches your eye?

The woman’s legs? For me they are just a framing device, her presence provides context.

It is the man. Because I’d like to be him. On my knees. The joy of restraints, the bit gag (much sexier than the traditional ball gag). Looking up at someone who has me helpless, my mind torn between anticipation and dread at where I’m about to be taken. My body her plaything. Lashes that will cut into my mind as well as my flesh.

What do you see?

(This happened in 2000 I think. I wrote it up a year or two later on my old Live Journal account.)

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Psychology of the Sissymaid

When I first encountered the subcultures of femdom and heterosexual male submission it was almost as if I’d fallen into a parallel dimension. I started to say time machine but while some of the underlying assumptions made me think of 1950s TV sitcom gender roles it was all too askew to hark back to Donna Reed or Ward and June Cleaver.

It was all so damnably sexist. You see I don’t have friends who begin sentences with “women are … ” or “men are … ” Not a one. Most of the past decades have been spent without a television set. I don’t buy slick magazines. Foolish me I thought this had all gone the way of cars with tail fins and McCarthyism.

Foolish me indeed. Femdom caused me to become aware of Dr. John Gray, a thinker on the same lofty plane as Elise Sutton. Rendering the normal majority invisible is a nice thing but can leave you vastly ignorant of your fellow man. Female executives and feminist theory haven’t actually dispelled gender stereotyping.

Eventually I got over feeling as if I’d stepped in something icky and began to see. Really I repeated an extension of, if not empathy, understanding that followed my discovery that I found some transvestites sexually alluring. Many crossdressers - being born male - have (dated) conventional male clichéd image of what being female implies. Femininity means pleasing the male, being subservient. Most transvestites are submissive; many are masochists.

Similarly I found that many closeted bisexual men who lived as heterosexuals - mostly married - wanted to bottom. Not just in the physical sense of surrendering their sphincter muscle. There was usually a subtle - or vivid - wish to be dominated. To be rendered less masculine.

Reading bogus blogs and fantasies presented as fact it seemed to me that many submissive men are unacknowledged transvestites and bisexuals. That is why they want the woman to ‘force’ them to wear panties. And cuckold fantasies often feature the man servicing the wife’s bull.

I can’t see any value in judging these men. Not to deny that I often find their emotional gymnastics distasteful. Watching someone fib to themselves is always ugly. But fairness requires that we admit that struggling to face up to certain truths about ourselves can be a struggle.

I think it very important that these men become able to perceive and accept their transvestitism and bisexuality. That is a necessary initial step in becoming less painfully incoherent.

Self-awareness should enable them to better cope with their needs. To find women willing to help them realize their desires.

Female tops ( - it probably happens to male tops and submissive persons as well - ) recount stories of the man who never show up for a scheduled first date, Other dominant women express empathetic chagrin and submissive males wonder how anyone can be so foolish.

Dominant women often employ extensive vetting and screening in selecting guys to meet. Any sane person who uses the web to search for hookups and romance does likewise. That will never prove completely foolproof. Flakes and fools will always manage to slip past the most carefully conceived filters.

Why would a man invest time and energy in currying the interest of a dominant woman, achieve it and then fail to meet her.

He’s married or partnered or whatever the right term is for someone in a committed relationship with another person. That he not be is probably the first criterion: on the web nobody knows you are phony At least until.

Fears of being caught cheating or the lack of resources with which to cheat successfully stop many men from taking the final step. In a way the women are lucky. Becoming involved with him and then discovering his falsity would be worse than sipping coffee alone.

Just plain fear: this I suspect covers the majority of no shows. Fear of:

• Exposure: of blackmail maybe but mostly of by some mysterious means that others will learn of their submissive sexuality. They fear being laughed at or damaging their career.
• Fear of you, the woman. Whatever they may have written in the back of their minds an image of dominant women as pitiless, cruel creatures. They cultivate horrific fantasies that no one could really endure.
• Fear of being found inadequate. Like so much to do with fetish and kink this is universal to all social-sexual interaction. Even though they may dream of a top mocking them as worthless that isn’t the same as meeting someone and being found literally and objectively not worth knowing.

There may also be men for whom negotiating and making the date is all they ‘need.’ Those acts are sufficiently sexually gratifying. Cynically they never plan to meet. But I think them rare.

How many men I wonder make the date, approach the location only to freeze and retreat. Maybe they watch for you across the street. Or just as they start to open the door to the restaurant selected for the appointed rendezvous stop and run away.

This isn’t to excuse their incivility. At the very least they could follow-up with an email admitting that they don’t want it takes to translate their desires into reality.

If a man has pissed you off by making a date and failing to arrive for it perhaps you can find vengeful comfort in this thought:

For perhaps the rest of his life the guy will regret that he wasn’t brave enough to meet you. And he’ll spend many nights wondering what might have been.