(This old fragmentary entry is reposted mostly to help me remember that I’d like one day to revisit the topic and deal with it very differently.)
Punishe me please!
Do you want to be punished but hate deserving it?
Do you reject the idea of just punishment in a loving relationship?
There are more possible responses to that than you may suspect but I’m going to ignore Loving Domestic Discipline, Head of Household and other modalities that have nothing to do with my life with Alexandra.
Alexandra and I were lovers, equals. Where does punishment fit into that?
She is also the woman who – if only at times – owns me and I’m the man who finds joy in being her slave.
My slavish needs are far too strong for me to ever intentionally earn punishment. Nonetheless at times I melt at the thought of her chastisement. I want her to strictly train me to please her in every way. To never fail but to be corrected for each and every failing.
When I am her slave she can torment me whenever she wishes: for her mere amusement. It is my nature to relish – if only after the fact – being tormented, perhaps mockingly, at her whim.
Punishment is probably only possible between us within a formal construct. Certainly one of values of protocol play. Rules can serve the purpose of shaping my slave behavior to match her wishes. They also increase the likelihood that I will fail: memory, tardiness, sloppiness may leave me at fault.
I want her control, to never be displeasing and – yet – her chastisement.
Sometimes I’ve numbered these among my “dark” desires. They aren’t dark in a bad way. I’m lost in the darkness of the back caverns of my mind. And can trust Alexandra to lead me back to the safety of daylight.
So I do indeed wish to grovel in awe of her wrath. And my only possible legitimate reason is in hoping that gives her the pleasures of authority and sadism.
No, not all the time. There are even periods when these feelings startle even me and I almost shy away from admitting them.
But when the right moods match it is another part of mutual fulfillment.
(After finishing this I read a smart woman say that she believed in discipline but punishment. Offhand I’m not sure of the substance of that distinction. But maybe it’ll inspire some future note.)
Originally posted 2016-01-01 17:35:56.