Fetish, kink and love, romance, dating, meeting, hooking up, living together.

Notice those profiles where the top says they’ve been in the lifestyle for umpty years and this isn’t a game to them.?

Using game as an implicitly understood negative quality brings to mind something that irks me in many D/s personal ads. It implies there’s something wrong with having fun. Too often tops - excuse me, Masters and Mistresses - make kinky relationships sound as dour an enterprise as a Baptist Sunday School service.

Without pleasure, why bother?

As a man who once identified as exclusively queer the word lifestyle makes me cringe. Fundagelicals babble on about the gay lifestyle as if gay men and women went about homosexualizing all day long. As if same sex sexual and affectional orientation defined everything about how their days are lived.

And even if your BDSM relationship is in some sense 24/7 surely you do other things than exchange power all day long. Hopefully there’s room for affection and creativity.

What is the point of BDSM if there’s no romance, beauty or joy?

(From February 2007.)

Stop sex! Stop it now!

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Actually for me a sadist’s profile can be one of the most sexy documents imaginable.

I don’t mean it needs to be all hot and slobbery. It needn’t go on at extended length about the particulars that thrill her or him.

A concise summation of the enjoyment that an intelligent and interesting person takes in making someone they find worth knowing hurt and suffer is plenty. Not that a few extra bits that captures the cheerful cruelty his willing suspension of autonomy isn’t welcome.

A good profile by a top can keep me from getting a good night’s sleep.

A very fair trade.

It is a common topic. I’ve certainly added my two cents. Probably often enough for it to add up to a quarter.

I’m talking about finding fault with bottoms’ responses to profiles.

Tops can be just as annoying.

A couple of responses to my own profiles brought this to mind. The first was so nutty that I just dismissed it. The second was more plausible. Neither I’ve decided were aimed at communication.

Occasionally I get comments from distant tops writing to say they like my profile and wishing me luck. The couple of responses I’m thinking of expressed interest even thought they read as if the writer hadn’t actually read my profile. The latter I’ve decided were aimed at eliciting passionate replies in which I steamily wrote of all the awful things I wanted done to me. To write porn for them to wank to.

This reminded me of a local top I’d communicated with some years back. I liked him well enough to give him my home phone number. He said I had a very sexy voice. This I’ll unblushingly confess didn’t cause me a second thought because I often heard that from women when I did survey research. It was near the end of what proved to be our final chat that I realized what was innocent chat for me was phone sex for him: that he was masturbating as we talked.

I’d be delighted to have someone to write perverse scenarios for but I don’t want to be tricked into it.

People are famously uncomfortable with extreme romantic and sexual neediness: it is the polar opposite of an aphrodisiac.

Is your hunger for a dominant something that radiates from you? Is your desire to find one something you can’t help but talk about in fetish venues? On your blog and in your emails and IMs?

That - more than anything else - may be sabotaging your search.

If you are a single submissive person your desires are a given: they don’t need to be spoken of. Try to relax and keep your inner-nagging out of sight.

Spotlight Perve at Kink-a-Go-Go:

It seems like if you Google anything fetish you come across, “Down on my Knees,” a blog by a self-proclaimed, “Pansexual Polyfetishist : Alexandra’s Lover, Pet & Slave,” or Richard, if you look hard enough.

Let’s Play 20 Questions with the Blogger from Down on my Knees

Gracie Passette of Sex-Kitten interviewed me. I do wish I’d handled her follow-up questions better.

As fascinating as Richard is, he’s yet to appear here officially at Sex-Kitten. We had to remedy that ~ and quickly.

Richard, an interview

(No kink here. Sums up my queer sexuality but it too long and obsessive for any but the like minded to read. Writte nover five years ago.)

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Being bisexual the site of a phallus induces no discomfort. But the first time a stranger sent me a photograph of his resting on his keyboard was still a bit of a surprise.

I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.

And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.

On gay sites - where enthusiasm for penises is a given - such photos don’t appear.

There you are cheerfully wanking away to images of yourself scrubbing the bathroom floor clean with a toothbrush or locked in a cast iron chastity device or …

(If you are me the top is engaged in a close study of whether you whimper more entertainingly when hit with a single tail or a quirt.)

So you write a profile bragging about how happy you will be to clean floors or have orgasm only on February 29th (or advance research into the effect of cowhide on human flesh).

OK. We do meet to experience these sorts of things. But they only take up so much of the day. There are lots of hours to be filled with ordinary things.

My recent scanning of profiles shows that it is the top who is most likely to mention pleasure in horseback riding, baseball, jazz, entomology, theoretical physics and baking pies.

Bottoms are forever offering themselves as servants and targets. Tops look for that and a bit more.

Your own profile shouldn’t neglect to share your passions, enthusiasm and hobbies. I’ve lost count of how many kinky relationships began with a shared pleasure that had nothing to do with BDSM.

People generally meet for coffee or a meal. And it is more fun to think of spending time with someone who has more in them than the commonplace yearnings of the average submissive masochist.

Really many D/s couples have started with shared pleasure in an author or musician. Then progressed on to who is the finest maker of floggers.

They want you to be their love robot.

In a comment on my note about frustratingly vague profiles AlmostMagic mentioned the guys who have overly precise scripts they expect the top to follow.

The best such profile I recall has been my benchmark for too much specificity for years.

Not only did he know that he’d be ‘forced’ to wear a dress. He also knew it would be a green dress. And that air would blow up from a vent on the left side. A top has to be a bit of a stage manager at times but that is just too damn much.

(From November 2006. A bit odd to read now.)

People love these ten best sorts of lists. I don’t know why, suggesting that you fit in ten anything is confessing that you are generic. But as someone who did market research for many years I know that unconscious involuntary conformity is even truer than I thought as an angry teen.

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In reading the weary words of dominant women back from their latest round of reading replies to their personal ads they often mention pathetic spelling, piteous grammar and inadequate composition skills of the submissive guys that offer themselves.

Sadly none of these are likely to be English professors seeking an obscure form of humiliation.

If my recollection is aright one of their most common complaints is that the guys say they are looking for a dominate rather than dominant woman.

My recent survey of BDSM personals has revealed to me that too large a number of tops call themselves dominate men, couples, etc.

I’m the last person to join the grammar and spelling Gestapo but … !

It diminishes - Hell, it chokes - my sense of submission when someone I might surrender to can’t get right something so elementary. I’m not anxious to be fussy. Take no pleasure in being pedantic.

But I’d be ever so grateful it you could correct this.