They want you to be their love robot.

In a comment on my note about frustratingly vague profiles AlmostMagic mentioned the guys who have overly precise scripts they expect the top to follow.

The best such profile I recall has been my benchmark for too much specificity for years.

Not only did he know that he’d be ‘forced’ to wear a dress. He also knew it would be a green dress. And that air would blow up from a vent on the left side. A top has to be a bit of a stage manager at times but that is just too damn much.

In reading the weary words of dominant women back from their latest round of reading replies to their personal ads they often mention pathetic spelling, piteous grammar and inadequate composition skills of the submissive guys that offer themselves.

Sadly none of these are likely to be English professors seeking an obscure form of humiliation.

If my recollection is aright one of their most common complaints is that the guys say they are looking for a dominate rather than dominant woman.

My recent survey of BDSM personals has revealed to me that too large a number of tops call themselves dominate men, couples, etc.

I’m the last person to join the grammar and spelling Gestapo but … !

It diminishes - Hell, it chokes - my sense of submission when someone I might surrender to can’t get right something so elementary. I’m not anxious to be fussy. Take no pleasure in being pedantic.

But I’d be ever so grateful it you could correct this.

Not having given alt.com a dime I haven’t done more than browse the locals and read my LoveDog mismatch reports.

Imagine going to a news site and reading a headline proclaiming Something Happened or Today Isn’t Yesterday.

So many profiles just say “looking for something new.” Or “want to try something different.” Really grabs your interest doesn’t it?

Some profile headlines are so badly constructed that someone who sounds like a top proves to really be a bottom who hasn’t the tiniest ability at self-expression.

This vagueness is frustrating. And it seems to apply to the majority of profiles.

I understand that part of it is timidity. Having never dared speak their desires aloud to anyone they are nervous when they sit at their keyboard.

These folks can easily be dismissed as not worth the time. But, you know, I bet many of them are. Or would be if we had a clue as to what they want.

Rather a sad loss.

Some of these so-called masters must spend an awful lot of time reading BDSM porn:

If on the other hand you are looking to become a real Full-Time slave there will never be release or escape from being my property ever again.

(Sorry Jack but this isn’t Gor. Are you hankering to join Glenn Marcus in the federal pen? )

Although I may choose to display you to others , you will never be allowed out in public alone again with out permission except for such as working at a job or other things I will that I may aprove.

At least he doesn’t say he’s compassionate.

There will be no going out alone by yourself merely for you personal pleasure. If you are my full time property

I wonder: has anybody ever called himself Sir 1984?

If I chose to take you to another place for display or use in front of, or require you to service other Masters and slaves, I WILL DO SO

By this time most female submissives will have gone on to read other profiles.

Once you become my property you will have no rights, and no choices or limitss other than those I choose to grant you after disscusing what you feel you realy need.

I’m sure all the girls are just lining up waiting to climb in your cage.

I’ve posted a fair amount of BDSM dating advice elsewhere, no reason to stop now.

Do not work on your profiles and personal ads when you are sexually aroused. Seriously. If you are feeling horny go masturbate before writing. Otherwise you are apt to make promises you can’t keep and get caught up in stressing specific fetishes more than you mean to. To write a good personal advertisement you need to find a happy medium between being aware of your needs and almost clinical detachment from them.

You want to let your passion shine through but with enough impartiality to show you are capable of coping with those passions with some degree of reason.

Neither neediness nor mania is attractive.

Be honest and balanced.

A gay male top in his fifties complete profile:

19 and slim is nice

Another by one in his forties:

looking for 18 years you have no rights .total slut pain slave

I know that yearning. There was an attractive young waif in my store the other day. Ah to be … again.

I write as someone whose last two lovers were over twenty years his junior. Sure that was nice, no reason to lie about it. Their comparative youth made me nervous at first. Turning into a pathetic old chickenhawk isn’t on my list of aspirations.

These older gay masters are fantastically delusional. If you’ve reached that age without being able to distinguish which of your wants are plausible you have doomed yourself to a life of frustration.

Not being able to enjoy someone near your own age leaves you an erotic cripple. You doom yourself to a solitary old age.

Honestly I can’t claim to feel compassion for them. Profiles like that evoke only contempt.

The idea that others may have multiple profiles disturbs some people.

Is this some subtle erotic hypocrisy? Who are we hoping to fool? What do we have to hide?

One advantage of creating alternative profiles and personal ads is to emphasize different aspects of our sexuality.

Many people don’t read past a profile’s heading or first paragraph. Should the profile actually contain more than one. So even if you are strictly submissive but open to both casual play and a serious romantic commitment you may want to insure that you capture the attention of both kinds of searchers. The more a person is open to exploring the more easily confused some people are.

Even the best intended of us may judge a personal ad by too few words.

Switches suffer from a special curse. People often assume that if someone is a switch they want to be both dominant and submissive in every encounter or relationship. That most people are either tops or bottoms is something every switch quickly learns.

Much online reading is hasty: presenting nuanced editions of yourself is about emphasis, not concealment. Who really wants the extra work it requires?

Have you ever noticed those personal ads that say something like:

I want a 24/7 slave. Must be completely willing to obey all orders at all times.

Real slaves only. No fakes, part-timers, scene players, phoneys, fake slaves, wannabes, Your goal must be to please me with no thought for yourself and nothing else.

I am real. UB2!

And how they have the same ad running five years later, there account is active and they are still looking.

Even though there are bottoms advertising:

I am a real slave and masochist. I want a Lord and Master who will teach me true and total slavery. I will have no rights and ask for no pity or compassion. Train me and use me for your pleasure. Abuse me and hurt me. I will be nothing and you will grind me into the dust.

Your future worthless dog slave.

Ads like that run forever as well.

Why don’t they get together?

Because they are propounding what for most people is unlivable. And as long as they cling to these hopeless extremes of M/s lives they’ll stay single. And they seem willing to do so forever.

Is this a sane choice?

Profile by a master in central North Carolina:

Looking for worthless slaves to be
used as fuckmeat and cum receptacles. Prefer naturally submissive, shy, quiet, unassuming, low self-esteem.

Not looking for
relationship, scenes, etc., Just
something to fuck and discard until
the next time, without any regard as a person, like a mangy bitch dog.

If you are in this category and know
this is what you deserve, let me know.

Age and physicality are not an issue. Just be totally submissive

Some women would say this is just a typical male.

Let’s be honest there are plenty of people who will find this exciting to read. To be brutally frank this sort of arrangement is probably the best some bottoms can hope for (or - perhaps - capable of).

But.

BDSM without the option of a safeword is a serious risk.

There’s no promise of safe sex. Is the risk of becoming HIV+ really worth it? Are you that desperate?

Someone who is looking for men and women with low self-esteem could very well be a predator, a sociopath.

Part of the CollarMe profile from a fellow who identifies himself as a gay male slave:

Okay, first things first regarding me doing your housework. I have no problem with this, but let’s face it, everyone wants me to do their housework. Every Dominant person in the country wants a slave to do their housework for them. So what’s so special about you, right? Let’s talk about the rest of the deal.

Hooray for him! (His ad overall is forthright and appealing.)

There’s no doubt that some tops think a D/s title or power exchange roles is far more of an entitlement than it is.

This isn’t a criticism of this kind of service submission. Just don’t be so desperate that you let people take advantage of you or use you in he wrong way. While it should be obvious it doesn’t hurt to state that bottoms, submissive persons and slaves are people.