Fetish, kink and love, romance, dating, meeting, hooking up, living together.
Very long and ver self-involved. No kink. I don’t particularly suggest that you read it. I put it here because for me it is natural companion to In Praise of Feminine Gay Males.
One of my favorite people in all of space and time.
(From June of last year.)
In my note about the foolish men who think photographs of their phallus is the best way to present themselves this remark inspired a little skepticism:
On gay sites - where enthusiasm for penises is a given - such photos don’t appear.
Ok, there are nitwits everywhere. But I’ve never seen a cock shot on, say, Slaves4Masters.
You see a gay man with even a modestly successful sex life will see more penises within a year or two of coming out than most women will in their lifetimes. Gay men certainly like penises but aren’t devastated by the site of one. And know that unless they are singularly blest theirs won’t inspire awe.
The straight guy - and frustrated closeted bisexual - only knows his own. It is one of the focal points of his universe.
But thinking about it I’ve come to suspect that he isn’t necessarily trying to impress anyone when he posts that photo. He really thinks that is what is valued about him. Hence all the money that is spent on worthless herbal enlargement pills and phalloplasty.
This morning I was reading Gibbon’s account of early Christian monasticism. For once his lofty irony seemed suspended. Lives of self-imposed dreariness, voluntary surrender to petty, pettifogging authority was obviously alien to him. People chose to submit to experiences normally the province of the worst sort of tyranny.
Sounds like some of the D/s profiles I’ve read.
I’ve meant to quote some of the good personal ads I’ve seen written by tops. But I get distracted and forget to copy them. Thinking back a few of the best I’ve read was strong in a quality not often associated with personals: good-humor.
The best profiles show good-natured empathy. I especially admire profiles by dominants that show appreciation of the needs and complications of submissive people. Maybe make a witty aside or two. You are reading the words of someone who seems complete, not just a role.
I don’t think tops need to remind us all that much that they want to be in control. We know that. And those of us who are submissive want them to take that control.
It may be a little harder for a submissive man or woman to show their good humor and wit. Too often writing a personal ad can seem like a burdensome balancing act as you try to present yourself accurately while feeling reluctant to accidentally drive someone away with a sentence not fully understood.
BDSM profiles will be all the better for exhibiting good-natured personality.
See also: Lifestyle
Notice those profiles where the top says they’ve been in the lifestyle for umpty years and this isn’t a game to them.?
Using game as an implicitly understood negative quality brings to mind something that irks me in many D/s personal ads. It implies there’s something wrong with having fun. Too often tops - excuse me, Masters and Mistresses - make kinky relationships sound as dour an enterprise as a Baptist Sunday School service.
Without pleasure, why bother?
As a man who once identified as exclusively queer the word lifestyle makes me cringe. Fundagelicals babble on about the gay lifestyle as if gay men and women went about homosexualizing all day long. As if same sex sexual and affectional orientation defined everything about how their days are lived.
And even if your BDSM relationship is in some sense 24/7 surely you do other things than exchange power all day long. Hopefully there’s room for affection and creativity.
What is the point of BDSM if there’s no romance, beauty or joy?
Actually for me a sadist’s profile can be one of the most sexy documents imaginable.
I don’t mean it needs to be all hot and slobbery. It needn’t go on at extended length about the particulars that thrill her or him.
A concise summation of the enjoyment that an intelligent and interesting person takes in making someone they find worth knowing hurt and suffer is plenty. Not that a few extra bits that captures the cheerful cruelty his willing suspension of autonomy isn’t welcome.
A good profile by a top can keep me from getting a good night’s sleep.
A very fair trade.
It is a common topic. I’ve certainly added my two cents. Probably often enough for it to add up to a quarter.
I’m talking about finding fault with bottoms’ responses to profiles.
Tops can be just as annoying.
A couple of responses to my own profiles brought this to mind. The first was so nutty that I just dismissed it. The second was more plausible. Neither I’ve decided were aimed at communication.
Occasionally I get comments from distant tops writing to say they like my profile and wishing me luck. The couple of responses I’m thinking of expressed interest even thought they read as if the writer hadn’t actually read my profile. The latter I’ve decided were aimed at eliciting passionate replies in which I steamily wrote of all the awful things I wanted done to me. To write porn for them to wank to.
This reminded me of a local top I’d communicated with some years back. I liked him well enough to give him my home phone number. He said I had a very sexy voice. This I’ll unblushingly confess didn’t cause me a second thought because I often heard that from women when I did survey research. It was near the end of what proved to be our final chat that I realized what was innocent chat for me was phone sex for him: that he was masturbating as we talked.
I’d be delighted to have someone to write perverse scenarios for but I don’t want to be tricked into it.
People are famously uncomfortable with extreme romantic and sexual neediness: it is the polar opposite of an aphrodisiac.
Is your hunger for a dominant something that radiates from you? Is your desire to find one something you can’t help but talk about in fetish venues? On your blog and in your emails and IMs?
That - more than anything else - may be sabotaging your search.
If you are a single submissive person your desires are a given: they don’t need to be spoken of. Try to relax and keep your inner-nagging out of sight.
Spotlight Perve at Kink-a-Go-Go:
It seems like if you Google anything fetish you come across, “Down on my Knees,” a blog by a self-proclaimed, “Pansexual Polyfetishist : Alexandra’s Lover, Pet & Slave,” or Richard, if you look hard enough.
Let’s Play 20 Questions with the Blogger from Down on my Knees
Gracie Passette of Sex-Kitten interviewed me. I do wish I’d handled her follow-up questions better.
As fascinating as Richard is, he’s yet to appear here officially at Sex-Kitten. We had to remedy that ~ and quickly.
(No kink here. Sums up my queer sexuality but it too long and obsessive for any but the like minded to read. Writte nover five years ago.)
Being bisexual the site of a phallus induces no discomfort. But the first time a stranger sent me a photograph of his resting on his keyboard was still a bit of a surprise.
I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.
And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.
On gay sites - where enthusiasm for penises is a given - such photos don’t appear.
